frustrated!

I don't get it why some people likes to smoke. For the numbness or for the stylishness? Anyway I dislike smoker a lot. People like my Dad who smokes at home always irritated me. Not only health is affected, the smell of smoke stain on the clothes as well. And no matter how much fanning power I have, it's just so hard to get the smoke smell away from the air in the house. =(

And mum just ask me about the pay RWS still owns me. IT"S STILL NOT IN YET! It has been almost 5 months already and the pathetic pay of 500+ still haven credit in my account. This is the problem of a big company, too hierarchical. One person waiting for another person,and another person pushing to another person, and another person think not important so slowly do, and in the end nothing is moving. =( Seriously, I feel like a loanshark pestering them on the progress now and then. Although I super dislike pestering others, but it's my pay, I've to do so.

And my FYP still has not much progress due to my dumbness, laziness and not interested topic. I can't even get the things installed on my laptop. How bad could it be when others are all half way in their project and I still unable to start. It's just too demoralising to keep standing at the same spot. Stress level is growing and growing. I don't know when will it burst but hope I survive. =/ I shouldn't have come to Uni, it's just not the place for me. It turns me into an unhappy person. =(

This world

I will only get more demoralising in this school as time goes by. =( Such a simple thing and I could take forever to figure how to work. Its just so hard to concentrate and work on things which I don't like. The more I look at it, the more stress I am, the higher is my unhappiness level. To say the truth, I really grew so tired of this world. If only there is another dimension for me to jump in and start all over again. 


No one understand me, not even myself. =/ What is the purpose of the existence of human in this world?

To the future

Just finish the last 3 episodes of 步步惊心. Although didn't watch the front part of the series, I am still so addicted to this drama. Been so into the drama that I find it hard to come back to reality. =( While watching, I was tearing here and there, whether the reason is the touching scene or my old troubles, just let it flow away.

Right now I know I've got lots of things to do, I hope I can do this, I really hope. =/ I just need more time when it comes to growing up. Whoever it is in the future, just wait for me.

before all, i need a scream.

Diminish light

Back to this old ragged blog again. Really need a place to write down my thoughts before I couldn't take it. 

First thing, my studies. I'm already at my final year in school but I really don't know how much of what I learnt really came in use in future. The more I spend in this school, the more I realized it's the wrong path. Thought after I came back from my attachment I will gain back my study spirit, but I was wrong. In fact, it got worsen. All those things that I used to be able to do, now I feel that I can't. Maybe partly because people grow old, so do I. And maybe partly because I've got a capable bf, and I feel so miserable and useless. Confidence level in doing things is dropping again. No, I'm not as smart as people think I am. I hate facing things alone but I don't want to cause trouble for others either. So I keep stuck on the same place since don't know when. This kind of feeling, the kind of you can't finish anything feeling, it's killing me. =( Sometimes I really felt hard to breath in this world. 

Second thing, my future work. With so much uncertainty, I don't know what work to look for anymore. Been to the career fair not long ago at the school. I've been thinking what's my strength. I went into deep deep thoughts, and found that nothing really outstanding that I have. I know I have interest in designing and arts thingy but I'm not going to take that as my career. I don't wish to link stress with my interest. My interest is suppose to make me feel relax and happy, not stress, restriction and deadlines. 

Long ago I've been thinking of a housewife job. Haha, how naive right? How can I afford not to work with this environment I'm living in. Actually I'm not really worried about job cause when time comes, I will know what to do. What I'm worrying now is my character. I start to feel so distant from people around me. I don't talk much to them anymore. There's this invisible wall blocking me. Whenever i try to speak, they won't understand me. This is some speech problem that I always have. Sometimes i wonder if i have 自闭症. I really don't know why am I so afraid to speak to others? Is this a kind of escaping syndrome? =( 

thoughts.

How fast. I'm already halfway of my internship. Tasks at there were quite okay except sometimes when i've got nothing to do, and i feel so useless there. Some ups and downs do happens in our life. And Monday we've got a 'Party in the Park' in USS! Hope all of us can enjoy fully. =) And the changes in the team sort of makes me abit lost??! Seems like I need to adjust my environment again. 


Sometimes you had a dream in your mind, and you so wish it would comes true in real life. But you know the reality, and you hope you could just stay in that dream of yours. This is because the chances of reaching perfection is so low. And you start to get flashback or deja vu of those beautiful moments you once had. Wishing everything happens again. The happiness gauge in me is always changing. Why do i always feel so lost in what i want? When can i really make up my mind to do something? =/ The sad demon comes to stay in me again. Wrecking my mind and body. But today it didn't come making trouble for me. Smiles! =) 


I don't wish for everything. I just wish for one. =)

Energy draining.

IA starts for 3 weeks already. Feels that the workload is still light at the moment and still in the learning phase. But the problem is, i don't talk much to my supervisor. Whereas i talk to another team mate more and often get my task from him. I know this is definitely not good but i just don't feel like communicate with him. Everyday i just want the time to pass by faster and go home. But i know everything that i'm thinking now is not good. The travel distance alone is enough to drain my energy, needless to say after a day's work. Not having a full breakfast is so common to me now, just because i want to sleep a bit longer. But lucky when i reach office i still have some time to munch on some things. The starting time for work is sort of push to 9am, as everyone just happily go eat their breakfast and comes in office around 9. And those managers or higher position people comes in even later.

I'm waiting for my first pay to come in. =)

Dear brain, drop that dream off, for now.

Holiday ending...

Just a few more days before IA starts. How fast. I haven enjoy myself much yet. =( And thinking about how far I'm going to travel to work really dampens my mood. Maybe i should go flip through abit on SQL and database thing. After exam, I gave all back to the lecturers already. Seriously i need to get myself into the working mood. I don't know how bad or how good this internship is going to be, but i wish i pass this period peacefully. =)

Going to school tml for the IA briefing. To be exact it's today! I'm still awake now even though i need to wake up at 8am later. A little late for it think won't matter much right? =X I only wish time goes super duper slow now. It's so hard to accept the fact how fast things are moving around me. Need some time to adjust myself again. =/

Last week of June.

Time passed so fast. It's already coming to the end of June, and it means holiday is ending soon. The dreadful IA is going to start soon. The past 1 week i have been getting so weak with my body. First it was the sore throat, then fever, then flu, then cough cause of phlegm, and now i've got a swollen eye. My eye turn from a double eye lid to a single eye lid. Today when i woke up, i could hardly open up my left eye. Initially was accompanying Mum to the doctor appointment but with this state, how am i suppose to go out.

That's my big small eye! Hope it gets better tml. It feels so itchy right now. Mum say i look like i put eye shadow. =_= Where got eye shadow put till become eye so small de?!!

And i haven buy finish my clothes for IA yet! Time is running out. Why must June passed by so quickly? It felt like i haven done anything. Oh, and my appetite seems to be smaller after i fell sick. Need to find back my appetite again, cause i wanna eat good food! =9

Been telling myself to sleep early and use lesser com. But now, after one whole day of not using com, here i am again. Haha. I'm just too stubborn to go sleep early. Not in the little bit mood of sleepiness, how am i suppose to sleep.

K, I'm off to Facebook again! =)