frustrated!

I don't get it why some people likes to smoke. For the numbness or for the stylishness? Anyway I dislike smoker a lot. People like my Dad who smokes at home always irritated me. Not only health is affected, the smell of smoke stain on the clothes as well. And no matter how much fanning power I have, it's just so hard to get the smoke smell away from the air in the house. =(

And mum just ask me about the pay RWS still owns me. IT"S STILL NOT IN YET! It has been almost 5 months already and the pathetic pay of 500+ still haven credit in my account. This is the problem of a big company, too hierarchical. One person waiting for another person,and another person pushing to another person, and another person think not important so slowly do, and in the end nothing is moving. =( Seriously, I feel like a loanshark pestering them on the progress now and then. Although I super dislike pestering others, but it's my pay, I've to do so.

And my FYP still has not much progress due to my dumbness, laziness and not interested topic. I can't even get the things installed on my laptop. How bad could it be when others are all half way in their project and I still unable to start. It's just too demoralising to keep standing at the same spot. Stress level is growing and growing. I don't know when will it burst but hope I survive. =/ I shouldn't have come to Uni, it's just not the place for me. It turns me into an unhappy person. =(

This world

I will only get more demoralising in this school as time goes by. =( Such a simple thing and I could take forever to figure how to work. Its just so hard to concentrate and work on things which I don't like. The more I look at it, the more stress I am, the higher is my unhappiness level. To say the truth, I really grew so tired of this world. If only there is another dimension for me to jump in and start all over again. 


No one understand me, not even myself. =/ What is the purpose of the existence of human in this world?

To the future

Just finish the last 3 episodes of 步步惊心. Although didn't watch the front part of the series, I am still so addicted to this drama. Been so into the drama that I find it hard to come back to reality. =( While watching, I was tearing here and there, whether the reason is the touching scene or my old troubles, just let it flow away.

Right now I know I've got lots of things to do, I hope I can do this, I really hope. =/ I just need more time when it comes to growing up. Whoever it is in the future, just wait for me.

before all, i need a scream.

Diminish light

Back to this old ragged blog again. Really need a place to write down my thoughts before I couldn't take it. 

First thing, my studies. I'm already at my final year in school but I really don't know how much of what I learnt really came in use in future. The more I spend in this school, the more I realized it's the wrong path. Thought after I came back from my attachment I will gain back my study spirit, but I was wrong. In fact, it got worsen. All those things that I used to be able to do, now I feel that I can't. Maybe partly because people grow old, so do I. And maybe partly because I've got a capable bf, and I feel so miserable and useless. Confidence level in doing things is dropping again. No, I'm not as smart as people think I am. I hate facing things alone but I don't want to cause trouble for others either. So I keep stuck on the same place since don't know when. This kind of feeling, the kind of you can't finish anything feeling, it's killing me. =( Sometimes I really felt hard to breath in this world. 

Second thing, my future work. With so much uncertainty, I don't know what work to look for anymore. Been to the career fair not long ago at the school. I've been thinking what's my strength. I went into deep deep thoughts, and found that nothing really outstanding that I have. I know I have interest in designing and arts thingy but I'm not going to take that as my career. I don't wish to link stress with my interest. My interest is suppose to make me feel relax and happy, not stress, restriction and deadlines. 

Long ago I've been thinking of a housewife job. Haha, how naive right? How can I afford not to work with this environment I'm living in. Actually I'm not really worried about job cause when time comes, I will know what to do. What I'm worrying now is my character. I start to feel so distant from people around me. I don't talk much to them anymore. There's this invisible wall blocking me. Whenever i try to speak, they won't understand me. This is some speech problem that I always have. Sometimes i wonder if i have 自闭症. I really don't know why am I so afraid to speak to others? Is this a kind of escaping syndrome? =( 

thoughts.

How fast. I'm already halfway of my internship. Tasks at there were quite okay except sometimes when i've got nothing to do, and i feel so useless there. Some ups and downs do happens in our life. And Monday we've got a 'Party in the Park' in USS! Hope all of us can enjoy fully. =) And the changes in the team sort of makes me abit lost??! Seems like I need to adjust my environment again. 


Sometimes you had a dream in your mind, and you so wish it would comes true in real life. But you know the reality, and you hope you could just stay in that dream of yours. This is because the chances of reaching perfection is so low. And you start to get flashback or deja vu of those beautiful moments you once had. Wishing everything happens again. The happiness gauge in me is always changing. Why do i always feel so lost in what i want? When can i really make up my mind to do something? =/ The sad demon comes to stay in me again. Wrecking my mind and body. But today it didn't come making trouble for me. Smiles! =) 


I don't wish for everything. I just wish for one. =)

Energy draining.

IA starts for 3 weeks already. Feels that the workload is still light at the moment and still in the learning phase. But the problem is, i don't talk much to my supervisor. Whereas i talk to another team mate more and often get my task from him. I know this is definitely not good but i just don't feel like communicate with him. Everyday i just want the time to pass by faster and go home. But i know everything that i'm thinking now is not good. The travel distance alone is enough to drain my energy, needless to say after a day's work. Not having a full breakfast is so common to me now, just because i want to sleep a bit longer. But lucky when i reach office i still have some time to munch on some things. The starting time for work is sort of push to 9am, as everyone just happily go eat their breakfast and comes in office around 9. And those managers or higher position people comes in even later.

I'm waiting for my first pay to come in. =)

Dear brain, drop that dream off, for now.

Holiday ending...

Just a few more days before IA starts. How fast. I haven enjoy myself much yet. =( And thinking about how far I'm going to travel to work really dampens my mood. Maybe i should go flip through abit on SQL and database thing. After exam, I gave all back to the lecturers already. Seriously i need to get myself into the working mood. I don't know how bad or how good this internship is going to be, but i wish i pass this period peacefully. =)

Going to school tml for the IA briefing. To be exact it's today! I'm still awake now even though i need to wake up at 8am later. A little late for it think won't matter much right? =X I only wish time goes super duper slow now. It's so hard to accept the fact how fast things are moving around me. Need some time to adjust myself again. =/

Last week of June.

Time passed so fast. It's already coming to the end of June, and it means holiday is ending soon. The dreadful IA is going to start soon. The past 1 week i have been getting so weak with my body. First it was the sore throat, then fever, then flu, then cough cause of phlegm, and now i've got a swollen eye. My eye turn from a double eye lid to a single eye lid. Today when i woke up, i could hardly open up my left eye. Initially was accompanying Mum to the doctor appointment but with this state, how am i suppose to go out.

That's my big small eye! Hope it gets better tml. It feels so itchy right now. Mum say i look like i put eye shadow. =_= Where got eye shadow put till become eye so small de?!!

And i haven buy finish my clothes for IA yet! Time is running out. Why must June passed by so quickly? It felt like i haven done anything. Oh, and my appetite seems to be smaller after i fell sick. Need to find back my appetite again, cause i wanna eat good food! =9

Been telling myself to sleep early and use lesser com. But now, after one whole day of not using com, here i am again. Haha. I'm just too stubborn to go sleep early. Not in the little bit mood of sleepiness, how am i suppose to sleep.

K, I'm off to Facebook again! =)

lazy girl

感觉自己好没用哦。不去做工，读书又不好，每天在家无所事事，真像一个废人。几岁的人了，对生活那么没目标，怎么行呢。我老是羡慕其他人有多么多么好，觉得自己很差劲。我知道我不应该这么悲观，可是脑海里就是一直出现这种想法。虽然对生活有点累了，但是只要休息一下就能看见这世界还是美丽的。=）

Gotten my results yesterday and i passed all. =) Was really scared that i fail some modules this sem from the outcome of the exams. Every exam hall that i came out, only one word to describe "Die~". But lucky that i cleared these modules, i wouldn't know what to do if i'm to take these modules again. And i finally passed my elective! =D The lecturer is so kind, cause seriously i think i did badly at the paper and there were some blanks. But my gpa is still far from a 2nd lower. =( I wonder if i will ever make it there.

I'm being a crouch potato these few days. Nua-ing at home. =_= And I've been sleeping very late, like 3 or 4 am. Bad cycle, i know. Will revert back to normal life before IA starts.

And i want to go out of singapore! I haven do my passport yet cause my family members are so not enthu about going travel. =( And i don't know how to find travel agency to book things cause non of us has done it before. Considering there is only about 20 days of my holidays left, I'm not so sure i still can travel. =(

gonna try this some day. =)

June is here. Left with around 1 month of holidays for me to relax. Haven really went for shopping. =( Everyday eat, play, sleep, watch tv, sometimes do housework, and stare at wall thinking what i should do today. I'm going crazy soon! Bored to death!

if facebook has this much status, it would be good. =)

Active during the night but it dies down quickly too, due to boredness.

Being a slacker

I'm being a slacker again. Staying at home doing nothing, staring at the ceiling. Yesterday went to my IA company to sign contract. The person told us not to spread bad things about the company on Facebook or whatever website, so not being mean, i would not say out the company name here. The first thing he mention was the $750 salary without CPF contribution. That was disappointment number 1. Next was the location is not what we assume it was. The actual location seems much further. =( And I've got to start work at 8:30am with formal wear. That's what i hate most. I hope the company is not going to give us heavy workload or else it's really blacklisted by me. Anyway, I've already sign the contract, so just see how it goes.

And i really want to go shopping, eat or play!!! Cause i know i won't have school holidays in the future, so must enjoy myself now. ^^ Need to find a time to meet my old friends. It has been so long since i last seen them. Wonder how are they? Think there will be lots of updates when we meet up. =)

Still thinking how should my holidays go. Not too short, not too long, so hard to plan things. Maybe i will end up staying at home whole day, downloading movies, playing games, watching drama or shows. Typical "宅女". =X

Alright, off to my dinner. =)

Freedom!

EXAMS OVER!!! I smell Freedom! =D Although i know the result is going to drop like hell but i couldn't care about it now. Really drained out by this semester work load. I just want to have a nice long rest before IA starts. ^^

Going Malaysia tml with the Uni clique. My second time going shopping there. =) Hope i can grab some nice, cute or cheap stuff there. Haha. Have so much things on the I-want-to-buy list. The GSS is coming again, and i have the urge to spend on something. You know, most girls always like to buy things without thinking its usefulness. I might be one of the girls too. =X

As for the rest of the holidays, I'm just gonna slack. Haha. Maybe planning a short trip to genting or somewhere nearby with my family. =) For my whole life, the only countries I've been to are Taiwan and Malaysia. So i wish to travel some other countries too, provided I have the money. Hehe.

And i want to learn make up but putting make up would means i need to put contact lens. I know it doesn't need contact lens but wearing specs is not nice with make up. =/ And I'm afraid of putting the lens into my eyeball. It just looks so scary. Not the putting in part but the taking out part seems more difficult. In dilemma. =.=

Aren't they cute~? xD

if only...

just one day.

It always happen like this. Before i go in the exam hall, i feel nervous like hell. Into the exam hall, my brain cells died on me. Out of the exam hall, depressed. Will there ever be a time when i go in the exam hall confidently and come out smiling?

Admit it Shihui! You're just not interested in studying anymore. And yes. I'm getting really tired from this education path. Now i get the feeling of just go into the working society and do whatever i can, since i think i'm wasting my time now. =( I really need much more motivation and interest to continue. Sometimes when no one is looking, tears just form in my eyes. And before i look up at them again, i tried to hold everything back in me. No, I'm not being strong. It's because i know only me can help myself. No point letting the ones i loved worrying about me. I don't like keeping things to myself, just that i don't know how i should tell others.

Alright, enough of this negative feeling. Need to mug for friday's paper now! Bye.

Whirlpool of emotions.

Exams in 2 days time!!! Argh! I feel like an unlucky girl. I hate it when i get menses during exam period. Cause i will tend to be absent-minded, and can't get the concept push in my mind. Had the same situation last semester as well. =( I hope by Sat i could have a clear mind in the exam hall. Jiayou Shihui! You need to work twice as hard as others cause you're seriously lagging behind! Go go go! ^^

On the side note, last night i saw his name on msn. Kind of wondering is he using back that account again? This morning i saw that he is still on msn. O_o And he was there for the whole day?! It kept me wondering even more. Till i came back to my lappy after dinner, i saw his chat window blinking??!! I didn't reply, but i think he mistaken me for another person. I don't know how i should react to this person anymore. Ignoring might be the better choice? Should i be happy or not? Hmm...

Sometimes i wonder if i had some supernatural power. O_O Cause whenever i wish for something to happen, i will chant in my mind. And then it HAPPENS! =) Not immediately, but it happens. Maybe it is just pure coincidence, or maybe i'm not that unlucky uh. Haha. =D

Oh, and i get my new phone. Like finally! =)

Yeah. You talk to me but i did nothing. =(

Conflicting emotions.

Not sure what's got into me recently. Been having a mixed of reality and dreams. Dreams that seems so real, and reality that seems so fake. Maybe part of the reason is the stress from this semester. Too much projects, assignments and quizzes, leads to sleep deprived and leads to one hallucinating things. And I'm getting paranoid very easily, thinking people are secretly hating me. =/ Arrrgh, I'm getting into a pessimist soon. Please let me pass by these 1 month plus quickly, so that i can have my break. X_X

As mention before, I'm not staying in hall anymore, but i still get the feeling of missing home. O_o Because of the fact that almost everyday i stayed back at school till the unearthly hours, every time i reached home, all my family are asleep. And the only time i get to really chat with them is weekend, but sometimes the weekend is burnt away by school works too. =(

1 more month to exams, and i haven start my revision. It's even worst this time cause there's still some concepts i don't understand from the previous part. And you know what, i don't even know what i don't understand cause i haven look at it. I'm so dead man! x( My results are gonna flunk like hell. Pray that i don't get kick out of school, and pray that IA will really pull my grades up. I hate this 'i feel so dumb' feeling, cause it felts like my brain only contains water. Jiayou, ShiHui! You know you don't want this. Hang on.

and yes, i will do what the doctor's book says. =)

Back to school again.

Hehe. This is so me. =)

It's school time tml again. Mid-term break passed by so fast. My sense of guilt is growing as time goes by. This break is supposed to be a busy week but mine is so peaceful. It's like the calmness before a thunderstorm. =S And it's a total communication break for me and my friends. Been staying at home the whole week trying to mug as hard as i can, but i guess i failed. My brain just couldn't concentrate long before i wonder off.

Talking about school, i haven done the tutorial for tml yet. The tutor is gonna get so fed up if he knows anyone not doing tutorial and go for his lesson. =X See how hopeless i am? For the whole week and i haven done the things that i need for monday. My time management sucks! >:( Argh.

And i had those absurd dreams going on recently. It's amazing how my mind can twist things in the dreams. And worst till, some are even continuous dreams! xP I get headache when i worried about things too much, so better not think anymore. Attachment selection is coming soon. Getting so nervous cause i'm not prepared. My resume might be boring and empty. =/

Anyway my plan of getting a new phone has to postpone i guess. Haven decide which phone to get. Those that i want is expensive, and those cheaper ones are old model. =/

a little rest

Recess week is here again! This semester is the most number of times i skip lectures. Reasons? Due to the 830 lesson curse, my body is so reluctant to get up at 6+ a.m. everyday. And because of the Imagine Cup competition, the past few weeks were crazily rushing project. For now, i need to finish up all the video lectures before another round of project craziness starts.

I'm having lots of surprising dreams again. Maybe, cause I like to think a lot? O_o Haha. I dye my hair using the bubble dye again! Bought the pretty pink color, luc

kily it's not that bright. =) My phone plan has already reach 2 years, time to change phone but haven find the time to go see.

Anyway, the Japan earthquake and tsunami incident really makes me think if the Earth is making a big change to herself. 2012's scenes are appearing every now and then. Is the end coming near? What's in the future, no one can predict. I can only precious every day i have. Hope Japan can recover from this disaster, and so do other countries being affected.

If world is ending, will i be able to see all those who are important to me one last time?

how much do i worth?

I wonder why am I so dumb. My brain couldn't absorb the large amount of knowledge being pump to me in school. Even though nothing is said, i know i'm the slowest in this clique of mine. I know they understand that i can't do things well, so even if i can't help out much, they won't blame me. But this just leads to me thinking that i'm just a free-rider. I don't like myself to be so useless. Maybe being with people who are much smarter than me makes me feels inferior. There's always this peer pressure emotion since the start of school. This big learning gap that no one notice, is starting to get larger. Sometimes i wish i hadn't make this choice.

Shopping and more shopping!

Has been shopping a lot for these few days. Let's see...

Last sun was with PW to bugis and city hall.

Mon was with AP at Orchard, bought a pair of shorts.

Wed with AP again for movie Shaolin(4/5 stars) and bought a pair of shoe.

Fri had a long break of 6 hours, so we went to watch movie The Green Hornet(3.5/5 stars).

Sat was out with Fen and her sis to town again. Bought 2 pair of shorts but 1 pair can't fit in cause cannot try. =( But nvm, will try my ways on how to alter it, if possible. And really thanks Fen's sis for treating the food that day. =D

Haha. In the end i didn't bought any top for CNY, which was my purpose of shopping. xD Think i will wear one of the clothes in my wardrobe for CNY.

School started for a week already. The study mood is not coming to me, and that explains why i'm day dreaming most of the time. And everyone is falling sick. Maybe due to the changing weather these few days. I'm sick too. =( Just when my cough and phlegm is recovering, flu is here. Hope all these sickness thingy end before CNY. =/

Here's some oranges for CNY. Hehe. xP

D Day?

Even though I'm so reluctant to see my result, i still go see. Haha. You know when i see my GPA drop, my heart sink way down. But when i look further down, all my modules passed, and i actually smile. =) Actually i already predicted the results somehow, so didn't feel any emo or sadness now.

So, I'm back to a peasant again. But don't worry, Shihui, you just need to work hard and get your rank again. =) Anyway, the working society won't be largely focus on your GPA but your skills. So i think the most important thing is to brush up my skills, cause IA is coming and i need to make myself presentable.

Right now i just want to enjoy the rest of my holidays before it comes to an end. For the past 10 days, I've been staying at home looking after the construction works with either 1 of my family member. Dad got sick and pass the virus in the house. Bro and me got sick as well. =( But Mum is fine. =) There's still a lot of things need to clean up in the house. Turn from a refugee life to Maria life. x( Sad me.

CNY is here again. My hand is itchy to buy new clothes again. Haha. xD Wanted to buy lots of clothes so that i can wear in school. My clothes are so limited now cause hasn't been really shopping for the past 1 year? Need to find some cheap and nice clothes and shoes. =)

Ahhhhh...i really need to indulge myself before school starts. Cause i see a super big stress bomb behind. =X Hope that in the future my smile won't look so fake anymore. =)