jaw drops...

My heart totally sank when i saw my grades just now. Although i expect not good grades but i hope for a pass in everything. BUT I FAILED MY ECONS!!!! DAMN!!! That means i'm gonna take another elective again!!! ARGH~!!!! I so hate myself! =(

curious leads to disappointment

I just went to check my exam results, and of cause it haven release till tml. But I'm still curious if any other page might release earlier. And so there is! But it only shows my GPA. I was totally disappointed with myself although i expected it. I can roughly guess my grades now. =(
There's no use crying over spilled milk, so i won't cry. But i do hope i can get at least 2nd class lower when i graduate. =/

Some things happened, and i have no confident it will be the same anymore.

a familiar face.

do you ever have this feeling when you see someone so familiar? You feel that it's that person but you just can't confirm that it's them. And something from the heart react to it. It does seems a bit like the drama i watch recently but it does happens on me. Especially after so long, i almost forget the face of this person.

Sidetrack. Christmas is coming soon, so do my birthday. =) Hope i could have a joyful christmas and birthday this year. And my new year resolution for 2010 is to be a more useful person. =)

have i seen you somewhere?

content.

It's already the 2nd week of holidays. How fast time flies. My sore throat from day2 has turn to fever and then sore throat and then losing of my voice and now coughing. =_= Why do i have to get sick after exams? Anyway I'm feeling much much better now. =) I'm craving for lots of FOOD!!! And i wanna have lots of FUN!!! Haha. Have been going out so frequently during these days(with my coughing and sore throat). Basically it's catching up with all my friends. U will never know how eager i wish for exams to end when i was mugging in that small room. >_< See that messy notes? It's driving me crazy during those days.And before i left hostel for my holidays, i drew this. Haha.


And i think i'm so broke during year end luh. So many presents to buy. Should i stay at home more to save money? O_o Noooo. Dilemma* Last sat went to celebrate ting's belated birthday at some nice little cafe.


Order a pot of earl grey tea and it taste nice and fragrance. =) Oh and the cafe is called Hairloom & Caramel. The Hairloom part is for hair cutting and Caramel part is for eating. Nice ambiance to chill out. Check out their website to know more. =)

Oh and recently i've been so addicting to korean and english songs. The mandarin songs seems hasn't got much "break through". Spotted a cute guy when i was searching for korean songs. He's my new addiction for now. =D

He is call Nichkhun from a group call 2PM. He has some mixed blood with Thailand. Cute right? Haha =D
K, thats all for now. It's already 3am soon. Yawnz* =_~ Nitez.

cold shivers~

It's the second day of holiday and i'm down will sickness. =(
Haiz~

dreaming away~

Exam is just 1 week away. Oh god! And i haven get my mind to study yet. Hope i can pass all modules. =/ Anyway, whats filling my brain now is vacation, vacation VACATION! =D I've been thinking back the times i went cameron highland with my family. A family vacation feels so good. I wonder when can i have another one coming? And the Taiwan trip at march, it feels like god damn years ago but it's actually just months ago. I'm missing all those fun. Wanna experience it again and again but this time with a whole lot bunch of friends whom can get crazy with. =) Actually fen and pw have already said about going HK for the coming march next year. But i has only 1 damn week of holidays in march and i'm not sure if i had things to do on that week. Hais. =/

Argh~ please give me more time to do what i wanna do. >.<

Changes.

Having live till almost 20 years, i can't say i've been through alot but i have been through what i'm suppose to be. Sometimes a companion, no matter how many people is surrounding you, is the most important person that could ever cross your life. I've yet to find one but i do hope that somebody appears soon cause I've been feeling lonely for these past few years. If there is a someone beside me who will walk with me, how would it feels?

Life is getting so boring. I need something to spice up my life. O_o

a loner.

Emo stuff is invading my brain again...

Why do i always feel so alone? Not physically left out but mentally left out. I wonder if those i consider as friend think I'm their friend? And i think again, are they just passerby or friends? I know i got the emo look on my face but sometimes it's just the neutral facial expression i has. No, i'm not unfriendly, just don't know how to speak up. I'm trying but seems like I've given up. It's so tired. I don't know why i get so tired so frequently nowadays. If i still stay like this, i think i can give up on the idea of a circle of friends.

And recently I'm getting so paranoid. I keep wondering are they talking about me? Why are they whispering? Am i doing the wrong thing? What should i do? Am i a weirdo?

When i look around, i wish there will be someone i can lean onto.

revive.

Thank God i didn't break down completely last week. Too much things to handle and too many messed up imaginations. I think i sort of know what i want now. That dream of mine, i shall build it up again, so that at least i have something to look up to when i lost. =)

On the other side, it's e-learning week for engineering modules this week. This means that there's no lecture and tutorial, but we still have labs. That explains why i still need to come back school. I dunno where the hell bro heard this from. He said that only 80 people from computer science for last year Yr1 passed??!!! I was like OMG!!! How can? I don't wanna repeat any modules. It will be so time consuming and wasting energy. I really hope i will use this week to buck up myself. Been in a slacking mood since the day i can't understand most modules. Seriously, all the things that i learned aren't unfamiliar, but i just couldn't get my mind to focus and rewind to all those things in my brain. Argh, this seriously sucks man.

it feels like an all-time summer in hostel. >_<

falling...

Why is it that i keep wiping but the tears just keep dropping? What is happening to me? Why does it seems like the world that i live in is breaking down soon? What to do?

Tell me this is just temporary...

it goes round n round.

I don't know how did i end up with a huge mountain on me.
I don't know why am i feeling this way.
I need a space for me to breath.
Let it stop...

Knock out.

do you catch a breath
when i look at you
Are you holding back, like the way i do
Cause i try and try to walk away
Do you ever think when your all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go
By:Barary

Just some random quote.

Been getting more worried of my studies. It's recess week now and i know i should make use of this time to catch up whatever i'm lagging of. But it's like i finally get a break from the hectic and tired life, i wanna rest myself too. =/ The To-Do list is becoming longer and longer. I wonder when can i clear them. I'm don't know whether i'm mentally or physically tired. Seems like no matter how i rest, i still feel so weak. Totally feel like i am being K.O. x(

there's something which i don't wanna face too.

thoughts.

School is getting more and more stress. So much concepts formulas and blah blah things to remember. I feel like I'm lagging way back in time. Classmates, friends and all some sort have settle down. But i sinking into another dilemma which i shouldn't have. I can't help myself with all those factors which are leading me into thinking this way. Lets hope i can come up with a solution.

Alright, forget about all those unhappiness. I don't want to type emo stuffs on this blog whenever i come. Last sat was my Hall's Dinner and Dance. It was held at Rendevous Hotel. Overall was quite interesting. It was my first time attending "school 's dinner". It was also my first time having makeup on my face. Don't really used to seeing myself in makeup plus the fact that i didn't wear contact lens. It makes the whole image looks so weird. Anyway, the day ended nicely.

Now, lets talk about my hall. =) Initially i was thinking Hall6? What kind of hall will it be? I went to search for a few photos to take a look at the hall. Was a little bit disappointing when i saw it isn't renovated, but was glad that i didn't kena Hall7. =X Later on, Jennifer filled me in with Sports Hall information of this hall. And i thought would it be everyday going running at the stadium near the hall? And indeed every peeps in this hall is very sporty. But that makes me feel so out of place cause i haven been exercising since i entered poly. In other words, my body is "cui". And i haven been an outgoing person since primary school. So my life moves on with as a companion? I'm sure if i talk and interact more with those peeps, the bond will be stronger. But some things won't reach so easily.

I'm trying...and i hope i could achieve what i want. =)

the third week

It's already the 3rd week of school. How fast. Getting used to the life here now. But my confident level still remains the same. =/ I so hate myself for not speaking up more, for not expressing what i feel. You know what? Sometimes i wish i hadn't been such a whimp. I feel like i don't even know myself...how am i going to introduce myself to others? This lost feeling makes me feel like giving up everything. The world that i live in...what is it? Soon i might be alone... and drifting away from everyone. Maybe all this is just my negative thoughts, but it's the emptiness in my heart. The belonging is not there...



What should i do to make that smile revive again and make it last?

where have u gone?

Lost?

I don't know what i am thinking now. Maybe i may type rubbish so no offence to anyone.

After entering Uni, i don't know is me who keep thinking this way or is the truth really this way. I didn't go FOC nor HSOC. All i know is jennifer who is the same course and roomies with me. It's like everywhere i go i'm making friends with jennifer's friends. It's not that it is not good or what. Just that i feel so weird. Everytime when i'm in school, physically i may be having many people around me but mentally i'm alone. Not that i don't want to make friends but i somehow lost my way of communicating with others. Maybe i isolate myself for too long, i don't know. I always hate myself when i am emoing. People will think i'm in bad mood and go further away from me.

I need a support....really..... ='(

2 days to school.

Happy Birthday Singapore! =)

9Aug
Went out with fen to town. Saw lots of little red dots all around Singapore. Haha. Went explored Orchard Ion & Orchard Central. Didn't really walk much there cause Ion makes us lost direction and Orchard Central's shops are not open fully yet. Anyway, bought a sandal for school and some snacks. =)

old school fav! =p

Suddenly feels that i need so many things for school and hostel. Blame me for my laziness during holidays. And i know it's my fault for not going any camps or whatever to meet more friends. But i am really not into camp and stuff. Alright, self declared "anti-social". =X I'm a hopeless girl. But i still wanna have fun. All i wish is to travel and travel if i had that kind of money. =( And i have to do something with my hair soon. Super hate it! But i don't know how am i going to revive it. @_@
Haiz. Can i turn back time for a moment? I wanna be a small kid again. =)

5Aug
Sitting alone on the train makes me realize how much i yearn for a companion. I'm always so dependent on others. How do i step forward in my life from now? At one time thinking so eagerly to meet new people, at another time thinking so afraid of whats there. I hate those water droplets. Don't come again anymore.

New Chapter.

Just left 1 more week and school starts. Haven really have any confident in doing well in my course. Anyway what i study might not be what i will be in future. My holiday mood is still hugging on to me, and the slacking bug just won't go off. =P I wonder what kind of friends will i make in this school. *scratch head*
And i'm stepping on to my 2s this year. How fast. But you know my heart stays young forever! =D Haha. Although sometimes i really do miss the past, i told myself that i would make more beautiful memories to let go of these thoughts. There's still many things that i wanna do before i grows old. Hope i can reach that target.

QET test tml! Hope i can pass.

Done a quiz at fb. True in some ways.

Enjoy reading. =)

射手座

射 手女生可能永远也不会知道自己想要的是什么，但是她一直都很清楚，她不想要的是什么。她总喜欢做幕后的看客，冷冷地，静静地看着一切，在她眼里，一切都在她的意料之中，她并不觉得有什么是新奇的，如果她表现得新奇，那是因为她觉得应该这样做。她像一个看戏的人，永远置身事外。你不要责怪她冷漠，这是她保护自己的唯一方式。她像一只刺猬，随时竖起自己身上的刺，但她的刺不会伤人，她只是用来武装自己。她不敢要太多的爱，她怕享受完爱之后，剩下的只是加倍的痛。所以当别人对她过度宠爱时，她不但不会欣喜，反而会惊惧地逃走，她不知道怎样回报别人对她的爱，如果你得到她的喜爱，那是因为她已经知道如何面对，如何回报了。她追求那种君子之交淡如水的境界。她懂得爱人，但她不习惯爱人，她知道爱往往伴随着恨，而恨，是太沉重的伤痛，也是太容易让人疲倦的感情。她不想痛，也就懒得去 恨，于是，为了防范恨与痛的到来，她只好选择不爱，即使爱，也是淡淡的，冷冷的。别怪她，她是真的不知道如何专注。她有时也很虚伪。不要指责她，她之所以选择虚伪，那是你勉强她做她不愿做但又拒绝不了的事，她不习惯承诺，也不懂得拒绝，她最擅长的是难为自己。她不想你难过，只好令自己难过。她总是固执地认为自己有超乎寻常的承受力，她将自己想得太坚强，而把别人想得太脆弱。她老是担心自己的行为会让别人受到伤害。她不知道，受伤的其实是自己。只是她不知道如何表现出来，她迷糊得像别人所认为的那样，将自己当成一个百毒不侵的人。别以为她很洒脱，很多时候，她其实是放不下的。她比任何人都要敏感，都要细腻，但她不会让你知道，她明白，即使你知道了，也是无济于事。她的心是把握不住的风，她渴望像风一样单纯而自 由。她不是不想平静，她只是找不到平静的理由，她一生都无法明确自己在人世要扮演的角色，她只有不停地寻求，寻求自己最终的目的。如果她找到了，她会毫不犹豫地停下来，从此放弃心灵的漂泊。很遗憾，她永远也不会满足，她的追求永不停止。她的心再累，无法逼迫 自己放弃梦想，梦想是她唯一的支撑点。千万别让她失望。因为她学不会原谅，她非常渴求完美，虽然她知道世间没有绝对的完美，但，她有绝对追求完美的执着。你若令她失望，她会不可挽回地离开，即使她的心在滴血，即使痛楚重得要 压垮她的生命，她也绝不回头。那个时候，你在她脸上所看到的，是让人寒心的决绝。即使她还在你的身边，她的心也早就离你十万八千里，你看不到她的恨，但是你会感受到比恨还让人痛苦的冷淡。她的离开是心灵的离 开。她可以在前半分钟对你好得让你受宠若惊，也可以在后半钟冷漠得让你不可接受。不要问她为什么这样善变，她也不知道。当你看到她在疯狂地快乐或悲伤时，千万不要迷惑，不管她看起来是多么的疯狂，她内心其实是冷静的，她比你们任何一个旁观者更知道如何处理快乐与悲伤，她只是习惯，也可以说是喜欢将一切都变得疯狂。因为她觉得这是义务，也是权利，她是制造气氛的能手，她的一句俏皮话会让一切轻快起来，但她的一声叹息又会将一切都弄得很沉重。她总是不由自主地交错操纵着快乐与忧郁。她并不如你们看到的那么快乐，同样，也不如你们看到的那么忧伤，只是，她忧郁时，喜欢带上快乐的面具，而当她快乐时，忧郁又不肯轻易放过她。在她的世界里，盛着的不是快乐的源泉，而是她不愿在人前滴下的泪水。你看到的她，笑起来像一个孩子，你有时会认为她天真得像是童 话里走出来的天使。但是，你若有心，你会看到她沉静时脸上挥之不去的忧伤，还有她的眼底，竟那么凝重地积压着一种看破红尘的味道。她只有在午夜无人的时 候，才会完全地释放自己。她不会在众目睽睽之下表露她的无助，她的彷徨，她的沧桑。她心里的，是永远流不尽的泪。你所看到的坚强，只是她在竭力掩饰的脆弱。

UPDATES!

Sometimes i wonder would i still be blogging when i'm 30? Even though blogging at 30 isn't uncommon. But see the date that i last blog, it's 3 months before! Starting to lose that blogging bug uh? Anyway, i'm officially graduated from NYP. Guess i'm the last to say this sentence. Haha.

Had a short vacation to Taiwan with some NYP people somewhere in march. Overall it was enjoying but didn't buy much cause mostly were sight-seeing and not much special item though. That explain why my girls are receiving key chains as present. And peiwen bought a nice & sweet stationary set from Hongkong for me. *smile* After coming back from Taiwan, i had some post syndrome. Was looking forward for any short family vacation trip but there comes recession and i put off that idea.

Went to Jurong swimming complex to play the slides and wavy pool with fen and wen around end of march too. We were in the hot sun for 4 hours and got ourselves SUN BURNT! @_@ My skin on the back and shoulder were peeling and it was so painful that week. And till now i'm still so black luh.

For april, it was basically just slacking at home. I finish Boys Before Flowers, watch Shugo Chara, KO san guo and blah blah blah. Then a picnic outing at Sentosa with fen, wen and jenni during mid april. It was an escape from the busy and boring life in singapore. How i wish island life never ends. =)

Then i went for job interview and now starting the training. I dunno why some sort of stress just come in. Cause there's so many things to remember and has to handle many phone calls. Not too sure if i'm able to take this job for 1 year. Especially now peiwen received rejection letter from both Uni and is thinking of finding other job. If she left, i would be so alone lor. And i haven accept NTU offer yet. There is too much programming in that course, thats why i'm still hesitating. The course fee is also a headache too. Although i don't know mum and dad have how much money for me to study but they keep saying have money to study de la. But i just think it is barely make it only. =/

Lost my way again.

星星啊星星，把我放在虚幻的世界 好吗？好不想面对真实的世界，好多烦恼， 好多问题， 好多是是非非。 每条成长的路都是那么辛苦的吗？ 我宁愿永远不长大， 做个开心就笑， 伤心就哭的平凡宝宝。看见那模糊的未来， 我好害怕走向他。 好希望我活在梦里，一切都如我所愿。 我只想做回以前那无忧无虑的女孩， 可以吗？

他让我想起你

over?

School's over already. I don't know if I'm ready for the working life outside. But these few days of so called working, i could somehow sense i not ready yet. I applied for Uni, but i don't know if i can enter. And i don't know if i can handle with the workloads there. There are times which i thought i had already grown up and know what i want, but most of the times, I'm lost.

当没有人在期待的时候，
自己还该继续期待吗？
如果寂寞久了，
是不是会麻木了？
酸甜苦辣，
有谁真正体会所有的滋味呢？
在这个世界里，
会有另一个自己吗？

Anyway, was blog hopping just now. Many people post about the double rainbow few days back. I didn't saw it, but well, at least i saw the photo. =)

Leaving for Taiwan in 2days time. Hope this trip could makes me forget everything.

Last week of school

Woohoo~ I'm indulging in my big mango pudding now. Yup, now is the wee hours and i'm still eating. Haha, blame my gluttony bug x) School is ending soon, REAL soon, like few days time? I still can't believe 3 years of poly just passed like this. It always seems like orientation is just yesterday and i'm gonna graduate tml that kind. Oh god, what have i been doing then?!! O_o

Anyway still left with 2 projects to rush and 2 common tests to mug for. And of cause one presentation for outsider. *sian =.= I'm sure gonna enjoy myself as much as i can before i step into the working world. It's like i haven had a holiday for a long long time. The first thing on my list that is waiting for me is TAIWAN! It's sort of a educational trip by the school but i don't care if i'll be bored by those educational things, as long as i can enjoy and relax myself.

Finally this little girl woman can go abroad. =) How much i yearn for going around the world. My little world map in my head is still so tiny cause the furthest i travel is Malaysia. I wanna orbit swim the world(huan you shi jie). Sometimes it gets you so high to dump Singapore island for a short period. Living here for so many years can really gets you bored sometimes.

Mentioning about oversea, bro is at New Zealand now. Everyone is asking him to bring cow back to SG. Haha. Seriously, i know nuts about NZ except the fact that many cows are there. I've got no idea what bro is bringing back. Hope he is doing well there.

And since i'm a optimistic today, i'm going to change my equation.
Me = living in unrealistic world
Living in unrealistic world = living in fairytales

therefore...

Me = living in fairytales =D

Gonna change my blogskin cause i can't use IE now and my blogskin is dislocate in Firefox. =S

my equation.

Me = Sagittarius

Sagittarius = Not wanting to grow up

Not wanting to grow up = Peter Pan syndrome

Peter Pan syndrome = Fairy tales

Fairy tales = Non existence

Non existence = Me

=(

So many things are incoming non stop. The deadlines of projects are getting nearer and nearer but there's just so many things that need to be done. I'm gonna burst soon. It feels like i can't breath anymore. I keep telling myself just one more month to go but why does this one month has to be so hard to pass by? Sometimes i feel I'm not me. It's like my thinking or my actions just doesn't seems to match, and some deja vu stuff. There's things which i think i could do, but end up i don't know anything about it. I feel so stupid all of a sudden. This kind of situation happens again. When i was pri.6 and sec.4 i've been like this too. It feels so naturally that some stress will come in. I don't want to have stress, don't wish my family to hope high on me cause i don't like studying neither do i like working. I need to find back myself, the real me that i'm losing.

CNY is just one week away and as usual no special feel coming. I just wanted to buy new clothes and eat new year's snack and of cause get lots of ang baos. =D I wonder if people nowadays celebrate CNY just because they have to or really understand it's meaning.

Anyway, my com is getting some mental problem with its system. And i lost so many links la. It's all in my favourites! Now i don't know where i could find them. Vexed.

Argh, all this emo shit. Maybe cause of PMS.

i wish to be the angels in your eyes too, but you're just too far from me.