First thing, my studies. I'm already at my final year in school but I really don't know how much of what I learnt really came in use in future. The more I spend in this school, the more I realized it's the wrong path. Thought after I came back from my attachment I will gain back my study spirit, but I was wrong. In fact, it got worsen. All those things that I used to be able to do, now I feel that I can't. Maybe partly because people grow old, so do I. And maybe partly because I've got a capable bf, and I feel so miserable and useless. Confidence level in doing things is dropping again. No, I'm not as smart as people think I am. I hate facing things alone but I don't want to cause trouble for others either. So I keep stuck on the same place since don't know when. This kind of feeling, the kind of you can't finish anything feeling, it's killing me. =( Sometimes I really felt hard to breath in this world.
Second thing, my future work. With so much uncertainty, I don't know what work to look for anymore. Been to the career fair not long ago at the school. I've been thinking what's my strength. I went into deep deep thoughts, and found that nothing really outstanding that I have. I know I have interest in designing and arts thingy but I'm not going to take that as my career. I don't wish to link stress with my interest. My interest is suppose to make me feel relax and happy, not stress, restriction and deadlines.
Long ago I've been thinking of a housewife job. Haha, how naive right? How can I afford not to work with this environment I'm living in. Actually I'm not really worried about job cause when time comes, I will know what to do. What I'm worrying now is my character. I start to feel so distant from people around me. I don't talk much to them anymore. There's this invisible wall blocking me. Whenever i try to speak, they won't understand me. This is some speech problem that I always have. Sometimes i wonder if i have 自闭症. I really don't know why am I so afraid to speak to others? Is this a kind of escaping syndrome? =(
