frustrated!

I don't get it why some people likes to smoke. For the numbness or for the stylishness? Anyway I dislike smoker a lot. People like my Dad who smokes at home always irritated me. Not only health is affected, the smell of smoke stain on the clothes as well. And no matter how much fanning power I have, it's just so hard to get the smoke smell away from the air in the house. =(

And mum just ask me about the pay RWS still owns me. IT"S STILL NOT IN YET! It has been almost 5 months already and the pathetic pay of 500+ still haven credit in my account. This is the problem of a big company, too hierarchical. One person waiting for another person,and another person pushing to another person, and another person think not important so slowly do, and in the end nothing is moving. =( Seriously, I feel like a loanshark pestering them on the progress now and then. Although I super dislike pestering others, but it's my pay, I've to do so.

And my FYP still has not much progress due to my dumbness, laziness and not interested topic. I can't even get the things installed on my laptop. How bad could it be when others are all half way in their project and I still unable to start. It's just too demoralising to keep standing at the same spot. Stress level is growing and growing. I don't know when will it burst but hope I survive. =/ I shouldn't have come to Uni, it's just not the place for me. It turns me into an unhappy person. =(

This world

I will only get more demoralising in this school as time goes by. =( Such a simple thing and I could take forever to figure how to work. Its just so hard to concentrate and work on things which I don't like. The more I look at it, the more stress I am, the higher is my unhappiness level. To say the truth, I really grew so tired of this world. If only there is another dimension for me to jump in and start all over again. 


No one understand me, not even myself. =/ What is the purpose of the existence of human in this world?

To the future

Just finish the last 3 episodes of 步步惊心. Although didn't watch the front part of the series, I am still so addicted to this drama. Been so into the drama that I find it hard to come back to reality. =( While watching, I was tearing here and there, whether the reason is the touching scene or my old troubles, just let it flow away.

Right now I know I've got lots of things to do, I hope I can do this, I really hope. =/ I just need more time when it comes to growing up. Whoever it is in the future, just wait for me.

before all, i need a scream.

Diminish light

Back to this old ragged blog again. Really need a place to write down my thoughts before I couldn't take it. 

First thing, my studies. I'm already at my final year in school but I really don't know how much of what I learnt really came in use in future. The more I spend in this school, the more I realized it's the wrong path. Thought after I came back from my attachment I will gain back my study spirit, but I was wrong. In fact, it got worsen. All those things that I used to be able to do, now I feel that I can't. Maybe partly because people grow old, so do I. And maybe partly because I've got a capable bf, and I feel so miserable and useless. Confidence level in doing things is dropping again. No, I'm not as smart as people think I am. I hate facing things alone but I don't want to cause trouble for others either. So I keep stuck on the same place since don't know when. This kind of feeling, the kind of you can't finish anything feeling, it's killing me. =( Sometimes I really felt hard to breath in this world. 

Second thing, my future work. With so much uncertainty, I don't know what work to look for anymore. Been to the career fair not long ago at the school. I've been thinking what's my strength. I went into deep deep thoughts, and found that nothing really outstanding that I have. I know I have interest in designing and arts thingy but I'm not going to take that as my career. I don't wish to link stress with my interest. My interest is suppose to make me feel relax and happy, not stress, restriction and deadlines. 

Long ago I've been thinking of a housewife job. Haha, how naive right? How can I afford not to work with this environment I'm living in. Actually I'm not really worried about job cause when time comes, I will know what to do. What I'm worrying now is my character. I start to feel so distant from people around me. I don't talk much to them anymore. There's this invisible wall blocking me. Whenever i try to speak, they won't understand me. This is some speech problem that I always have. Sometimes i wonder if i have 自闭症. I really don't know why am I so afraid to speak to others? Is this a kind of escaping syndrome? =(