christmas eve.

Finally, holidays have arrived!!! =D Anyway i predict my results for this semester gonna drop by the look of the situation. Haiz, lets just forget about this and enjoy my holidays.

My 21st was well spent with my friends and family. =) Initially i thought it would be like the past birthday but at least all my close friends is able to celebrate with me. And those wishes i received, feel so blessed already. And today is already the Christmas eve. How fast, it's reaching the end of 2010. Looking back, this year seems to have so many events and things happened. I've always thought how it would feels like to be 21, and now I'm 21, I wish time stops here. Anything more than 21 doesn't seems very fun. Right? Haha. Thats how contradicting human is.

My wish for the remaining days of 2010 is:

- to be able to have good night sleep everyday

- to enjoy myself to the fullest

- to meet up with friends

- shopping =)

- excursion? lol

Hmm...wanted to have a short holiday trip but think i shouldn't ba. =/ And my house area is so damn noisy cause of the construction works. Should have gone out with fen when she called just now. Aiya, regret. =( But then i don't know why my body is aching, so lazy to go out also. Wanted to go countdown for new year but don't know who is free to accompany me. =/ Come to think of it, every year i spent the countdown at home and the next day will be going Grandma's house for bai bai. (though i think sometimes i didn't go)

2011 will be a better year. =D So don't whine anymore, Shihui. Always look at the positive side of life. Yes, sunny days ahead! xD

December's negatives

It's December!!! The month of celebration and festive. But why are we still being strangled by exam?! =( I so wanted my brain to be more hardworking on exam materials rather than keep on facebook-ing and doing redundant stuff. Just like a stress bomb inside me that could explode anytime. I got so pissed off with my fringe that i cut it short. Now i look more like xiao meimei. =_=" And the nearer it is to the exam, the more redundant stuff i'm doing. Time is ticking but nothing is going in. I'm so dead this time round. Can only hope all those assignments and projects will pull me up. =(

dilemma.

I don't know why i like to question myself about the future. Maybe cause I'm at some age where i need to really plan something before it's too late. Recently I've been wondering should i fully focus on what this course is leading me to? A Programmer? Or should i work on my ideal job of some designer? =/ Right now every time i look at coding, i will feel damn frustrated. It's like i have no wish of understanding it.

Actually i know I've chosen a wrong course but a Uni cert matters so much. It always puzzled me how did i get into Uni? From the moment i received the acceptance letter, everything just seems like a fast forward button has been pressed. As you grow up, time seems to be some how shorter? I remember when i was in primary school, a few hours seems to be like one whole day. But now? 1 year seems like a blink of eyes.

I always told myself i will change, change for the better. But i don't see any yet. My character is still the same. My appearance is still the same. Maybe my thinking is the only one that changes. If you look at the Singaporeans now, you can roughly guess what kind of education they are going through. It's just too oriented. What the school teaches you, you followed and you're safe. What most people are doing, you do the same and you're safe. I guess that's the "kiasi/kiasu" attitude? Ok, what i type up there absolutely not pointing at who. Play safe, if not some public might sue me? O_o

Back to where i was saying, school. Piles of undone things getting lesser but still a mountain left. =( I can only say this semester is the worst I've ever been through. In a month's time, I'm gonna be a free bird again. Just a bit more, so lets work hard. =)

Jiayou~ jiayou~ Shihui! =)

I can't see you yet.

It's recess week!

Finally, the recess week come. Seriously, i need a break from all those lectures before i go crazy. The concept is so hard to grasp and the question marks on my head are getting into a big lump. =(

Anyway October is a month full of events.

- Celebrate Dad's and friend's birthday.

- First time i doze off in a movie theater.

- Mum's admitted to hospital for 1 day. Luckily is nothing serious, just some checkup to do.

- Quizes that are coming!

- Mum's birthday coming.

- Friends' birthday coming. (pocket's hole getting bigger)

- Assignments and projects that seems never ending. =/

- Tutorials crashing!

And now, I've got a lot of revision waiting for me. Wonder where should i start. =/ And one thing i know is when exam period comes, i really need chicken essence to wake me up. Travelling to school is such a tiring journey that whenever i reach school, I'm always in a sleepy mode. And I'm already very sleepy plus the fact that the lecturers' super 'nice' voice which makes me wanna doze off more.

Apart from designing, i find that i like photography more now. If i had the chance, i wish to explore in that area. =)

if only the beautiful scene is real.

Tired as ever.

It's already week 4 of school! How fast. I'm still not fully on studying track. The lecturers' voices are so uninteresting. Every time they talk, i feel like i'm listening to lullaby. And the god damn tutorials are so difficult. Why does the school have to make us suffer so much? Alright, maybe is because i didn't pay attention during lectures. =x Everything is going at fast pace as usual. And my undone things list is getting longer and longer. =(

Sidetrack. That day i was on the train to school and i saw someone who gives me the same feeling as...

HIM!

Yes. It's Kim Hyung Joong. Haha. That is really a good start of the day. =)

Alright it's getting late cause I'm trying to start my lab coding. And nothing is coming out. =.= Think i will just have to go to tml lab session to continue. Nights. =)

A new sem.

Tml is the start of a new semester again. It's gonna be a new start for me. No more hall, no more waking up a bit late, no more familiar faces, no one to accompany me to walk that slope that i used to walk. To tell the truth, i really enjoyed my life in hall. But you know sometimes you'll feel super lonely there. You know how i envious most people could mingle well with one another. But it seems like i just can't convey myself to others. If only i could step out a little more, things might be different now. =/

I took this holiday to sort out my messed up feelings and thoughts. 3 months wasn't quite long, but enough to let me think how i should go on. I should learn to remember the beautiful things and forget any unhappy moments. Maybe there's some regrets in life that is inevitable, but be glad that there is something for you to remember. =)

I will try to smile more and be a cheerful girl. I will try to make every minute, every second, worth a thousand more. I will try to be brave and face the world. I will try not to have any sudden thoughts that affect my life. I will try to express what i feel more, cause that's the only way i could show myself to others. And last of all, i need a miracle. =)

i think...

You’ve never really missed someone,
really miss them so much your heart feels bitter and sour and haunting perfect memories of last summer taunt you awake on starless black nights when the sky stretches on endlessly

I am typing up and retyping my scattering thoughts in the dark tonight, trying to scribble down every word and every syllable before they fall behind my thoughts
The windows feel too tight, the door too shut and the ceiling spinning, closing in
These sleepless nights, i imagine all the scattered words and fairytales with no endings and whispering beautiful songs i would whisper in your ear
But when i see you, all i could say is ‘I missed you’ just like anyone else would have said, with a blank expression and emotion, emotion stronger than the whole universe, bubbling inside of me

the window blows open by the late night wind and the blank curtains hover in the room, casting big shadows and reviving the most fearful, childhood nightmares

The wind blew hard and I sat on the steps breathing in the cold air, an atmosphere without you beside me.
They have all left, in crowds and in pairs, but I was still alone, breathing in cold air like a cigarette and ruining my lungs, wishing you were sitting beside me.

The words seem so close to my feelings. =/

losing that bit...

Been feeling vexed these few days. I don't know what am i confused about but it just makes me think alot. You know the feeling that your prospection towards people and life suddenly change. I've been having this doubt for a long time, that what is my future going to be like? The more i think about it, the more i'm lost. For a person who is going to be 21 soon like me, hasn't really live to the fullest. Sometimes when you want to step forward, but you just can't get the courage to go on. It left an invisible scar on myself cause i know i disappoint myself again. Sigh. =( I really hate to blog about emotional things, but i need a place to vent out things bottled in me.

Just another day

Just watch finish The Sorcerer's Apprentice and was humming that song in the movie. When I login facebook, I saw the lyric I was about to sing out. Amazing hur? Someone must have just watch the movie or listen to that song at that moment. Downloaded some movies I missed watching when they were still showing. And my Internet connection is having problems lately. :( It's late in the night again, idling my days away. I wonder if I can set my study mood back in time, before school starts.
Been having problem with posting a post with browser, so have to blog using iPod's app. =/

Insomnia

I wonder why I can't fall asleep now. Is it because I didn't treasure my sleeping hours, that's why the sleeping god took away my ability to sleep? Or is it because my stomach isn't feeling well? I don't know, if I know I wouldn't be lying on my bed typing this post. I wonder why my stomach is so weak. It can't take spicy or too oily food.
Ahhhh~ I dunno wad am I typing here. I just wanna get my brain bored so that it won't keep thinking and thinking. My body is tired, my heart feels tired too because it is still working hard to pump blood into my brain!! Why can't my brain be good and rest?!! I watch mummy went to work just now. And now bro and daddy is up for work already. =\ No good, no good. I'm still meeting my friend later on. I need some sleep!!!!

mid holidays

Half of the holidays have passed by. And I'm still slacking at home, didn't want to go to work. I know it's bad to let this long holidays gone to waste at home, but i just don't feel like working. But being at home doesn't seems any better. Everyday it's just me, alone in the house. Every night i see my family for about 4-5hours? And back to the routine when I'm alone again. Feel so useless in this house. This feeling gets worst when i know i couldn't change my thinking. Few days back, i had a dream. I wake up in tears and hope this dream will only be a dream.

It's raining heavily outside now. Wonder where will be flood again. On this kinda weather, it makes me emo more. I looked out of the window. The rain drops were huge and continuously. It seems like an enormous kettle is pouring down. =/

I've been thinking about the past a lot these days. Way back when i was in primary school. I like how dumb and naive back then. Those little admiration i had, i never told anyone. And those bickering i had with some people, thinking of it sometimes bring a smile on my face. =) Later on was secondary school life. It was a place where i grown up very fast and learn a lot. It was also a place where i met all sorts of people, and know something special. Everyday is school but everyday is filled with fun and joy. =D On the other hand, people change very fast too. Some turns better, some turns bad, and so i had a new way of looking at people. Anyway, those days were the days i wish it never end.♥ Moving to next stage, i thought i would go to a JC, but i couldn't and I'm glad i didn't. ☺ Polytechnic sounds better, right? Keke. Everything there were so like a stranger to me. You have to start from the beginning again, to learn every simple things. Know a lot of friends, and amaze they still notice me even though I'm behaving so quiet. =) Oh, and i came to know about how i kept everything inside my heart. Right now i'm still the same. =/ Uni? Needless to say, it is hell. The pace is so fast. You need good brain or you will have to be like bookworm. @_@ Of course I've to turn into a bookworm cause i don't have good brain like others. Some days, i really felt quite lost in Uni. Wondering why am i here? Is it just to escape from the working life?

Holidays~!!!

The long awaited holidays is here! =D After half year of struggle, I'm really so tired. I still have another 1 week of hostel life before i say goodbye to it. No more hostel onwards, and i have to take train and bus everyday to school starting next semester. Hope there are lesser morning lecture and lesson. xP Anyway, i sort of described my exam period with a little short lame story. Here is it.

Let me tell you how i became a prisoner during my exam period. Initially,i was being trapped in a cell by Mr. Exam. I stayed there for about a week. After that i spotted the bunch of keys on Mr. Exam's waist. (After the first paper) Then i tried to hook that bunch of keys over. And i succeed. =D (After 2nd paper) But now i have a problem, there's too much keys and i need to find it fast. After a night of struggle, finally i found it! (After 3rd paper) And i escape through a long tunnel. There's some distractions here and there but i can't lost focus. I know the exit is in front of me. (One day before last paper) Mr. Exam found me! He pulled my leg and stopped me from running away. I know i shouldn't escape, so i do what Mr. Exam told me to do. (After last paper) Mr. Exam see that I'm in good conduct so he release me earlier! Finally, I smell FREEDOM!!! =D

This holiday is gonna be a long holiday for NTU students cause of the YOG. About 3.5 months of holiday, and Mum said i need to find work. Work is bored, but i need money to buy things, so no choice. What should i find? Have no idea now. Right now i just want to enjoy some relaxation before my project week starts. =)

And i gonna date my friends out. I gonna go shopping for clothes and bags and shoes. I gonna see part of my home in a new look. I gonna go explore places which i never go before. I gonna do this and that, many many things. =D

P.S. Sometimes my imagination become so real x)

exams fever.

I think this sem is gonna be a disaster too. Right after the first paper, my mood went right down to the bottom. I was still predicting maybe i could at least pass the paper but after i heard all those discussion from friends, my prediction may be wrong. My mood become worst. I knew i shouldn't have hear all those "after paper's discussion". 3 more papers to go. I may be killed by the last paper. Hope the course work marks could pull me up. =/

I'm addicted to this korean drama "You're Beautiful". Every time i watch one episode, i can't wait to see the next. But now is exam period so have to wait.

what makes this heart beats like this?

drained out!

Been so busy for the last few weeks. Finally has the time to come here to post something.

Exams are just less than 2 weeks for now. After so much time spent on project and assignments, i have to force myself to get in study mode. Seriously, the time i have now compare to last semester is so much lesser. So little time but so much work to do. Is NTU student born to be a robot? Totally amazed by how a school could make a person mentally damaged. And i found out something. I'm starting to get forgetful! Either is the damage caused by school or I'm aging?!!! O_O For goodness sake, I've not even reach my 21st yet, hope it's not aging. =X
And after coming to Uni, i experience the feeling of "peer pressure" even more. The people here are crazy man! Chiong here and there, like there is no tml. All aiming to defeat one another.(in terms of study i mean) I wonder how did i survive in this surrounding. And you know what? I start to feel staying in hostel does not help me mentally, because I'm still in the school!!! I need to bloodly hell get out of school whenever i got the chance. It's becoming like a jail to me already.
And bozhua keep stiring me with some guys. It makes me feel so awkward whenever i pass by or sit with "the guys". Even though i know he is just kidding and making fun, i just can't bring myself to..to like.. interact with "the guys" more? because i don't want "them" to misunderstand any of my actions.
Oh, and i super hate the "dislike/like some people" thing. Even if there is someone that you really don't like, just ignore them right? If they ever come in a friendly way to approach you, let them have the chance. Isn't it better to turn a foe into a friend, rather than keeping that dislike feeling in your heart, which pull you down even more? How long can you live in this world? Maybe you have already done something you regret and can't revert anymore.

Anyway, everything posted here is just my opinion. If any of the points sounds aggressive, i was not referring to anyone. Basically it's just a chunk of ranting i type up there. I just need get rid of this feeling bottled up in me.

p.s. bff, i miss you suddenly. =/

sulking days.

It's been some time since last blog. CNY is somewhat going to over soon. No festive mood throughout, cause there's so many work to do! School is coming to half a sem soon. I don't know why i had this feeling of don't wanna time to moves on. Maybe I'm too scared of whats next when i grow old. I still can't imagine myself as an adult and getting married, give birth, being a mummy or grandma. The most i can accept now is as a poly student. And yes, i still can't accept the fact that I'm an undergrad now. Everything just happens so fast that i could hardly breath. As i grows old, time seems to ticks faster, like 24hours/day is always not enough.
BFF 21st is coming. Hmm..what should i buy? Pocket's hole is getting bigger. xp

p.s. why do you look so much like him? i can't concentrate now.

random daily stuff

Alright, it's the 4th week of school now. As usual, no time for resting. x( Right now I'm so eager for CNY to come because of the long break. At the same time, I'm hoping CNY does not come so fast because of the quiz, assignments, project after that. Argh~. There's no enjoyment period in my timetable!!! >=( NO LIFE IN NTU!!!!!!

And why is that there are so many airplanes flying near my hostel here?! It's like every minute got plane flying pass. Is it a flyover here in boon lay? And there is one damn disgusting insect in my room flying about ytd night. I can't sleep because of that, even though i feel sleepy already.

Anyway, i miss home even though i go back every weekend. =(


p.s: sometimes i just want to be an invisible person.

Smile =)

我相信人总该勇敢的走下去，所以我很努力的往前走。 曾经我因为某些事，把我的人生弄得一塌糊涂。 花了好长的时间才调整回来。 表面上看来我是个乖孩子，可是我有一个叛逆的心。 认识我很久的人就会知道。 最近我开始发现一种很久没有的感觉又浮现了。 是新的开始吗？还是我的幻觉在作祟？ 总值，我很感谢那些让我又能开心的笑的朋友和家人们。 我想我一值一来都是个幸福和幸运的女孩。 =）

another year for me.

It's already 2 weeks after school has started. What can i say? Totally overwhelmed by all the things that need to be done. It's gonna be a more tedious year than last year. But i must put in more effort to pull up my grades. And I'm glad i make even more friends now. =) Especially with Xinyi around, i can be myself more. I know i need to be confident just by myself, and am learning now. ^^ Looking forward for more smiles from everyone. =D Anyway CNY is coming again. Lol. A year passed by so fast. And it seems so yesterday that CNY is over only. As usual, the tradition is to buy new clothes! Haha. I love wearing new clothes on CNY because it means a new start for me. Talking about new clothes, i need to get a hair cut too. I dye my hair dark brown using the bubble dye. It was fun! Just like shampooing.

Oh, and SHINee is coming to SG on 31st Jan! I want to go see them! It's so rare that Korean group will come SG, so must grab the chance to become a crazy fan. Haha. I wonder who can go with me? O_o My komiChan doll on my blog is almost one year. Happy advanced birthday! Hahaha. XD

i want a "he" too.

2 more days.

Schools starting soon. I haven get myself prepare yet. One thing for sure, i hate UNI!!! I'm wondering am i wasting my time here studying. Cause i really don't know if i would get a job relating to what i learned. The more i'm growing up, the more i hate myself. I hate adults, so i don't wanna be an adult. Bro ask me about my future, i didn't reply him cause i can't see my future. I try to think but nothing good came out. I'm turning from an optimistic to an absolute pessimistic. What comes next? Depression. I hope i won't go to that stage in my life although a few times i doubt my existence in this world.

Happen to pass by a blog and find that these statements are quite true. Just to share with my readers:

• I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
• I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
• I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.
• I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
• I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
• I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
• I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't.
• I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
• I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
• I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
• I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
• I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
• I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
• I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
• I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
• I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
• I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived.
• I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
• I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
• I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
• I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.
• I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
• I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.
• I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
• I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.
• I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
• I've learned that the people you care about most in life are sometimes taken from you too soon.
• I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.All you can do is be someone who can be loved.The rest is up to them.
• I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice.

If everything is what we wished for, the world might be a different world now. But it's not, so the world is changing me. Sometimes i envy people whom can get excited by any festive occasion. I lost that feeling during growing up process. Maybe in the future when i have kids, i might develop the feelings again.

Dear God, for the first time I'm truly believing in you. No, not any Gods of any religion but my own guardian that exists. I hope you can overflow me with many many happiness till the darkness in my heart goes away. Only by doing so my smile would returns. I wish to be a happy girl, really. So, please help me.